There comes a time in a woman’s life when she needs to make a decision:
the decision to be unapologetically herself. This may sound cliché. And you may have a hundred very good reasons why it sounds like a very bad idea.
You may mis-trust, laugh at, fear, or even scorn it. Especially if you have ever worked inside an organization where men made up more than 50% of the senior leadership team – or did at an earlier time in the company’s history. Especially if you grew up in a household where dad’s word was the final word… or else – or a household where mom was trying to hold the entire ship together using the best masculine tools within her reach. Especially if you learned that your way was not the way.
(Which accounts most of us professional women, I venture to guess).
The thing about the dicey but necessary decision for a woman to be truly herself is that it must immediately be followed by a second, much more difficult decision, that ultimately sets the wheel of change in motion:
the decision that it will work.
The Paradox of Disruption
The problem with disruptive behavior is that inherently, it is a paradox. On one hand, it is the only thing that carriers the unique power of paving the way to our personal and collective liberation. When executed successfully, it can lead us to hero status in the eyes of those who are practicing the status quo.
Look at brands like Ben & Jerry’s, Eileen Fisher, Apple, Lyft or Zappos… movement leaders and saints like Rosa Parks, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, or St. Francis of Assisi…
And, it terrifies us, because it asks us to disbelieve every piece of mental and embodied evidence we have seen (and taken careful note of) up until now. It reminds us of the pain our deepest traumas – personal, and intergenerational. It pushes our trigger buttons: we know what this course of action will lead to. Abandonment. Death. Crucifixion. Excommunication. Annihilation. We feel it in our bones. And we aren’t wrong. At least not in the historical sense.
Many of us have suffered tremendously “just” for being ourselves.
And yet…
Do we not also want to believe that we are the co-creators of reality?
If you have found your way to my writing, and to the world of Guts & Grace, there is a good chance that in addition to being a leader, you are also a mystic. You pray to a bigger God (or no God at all). You care deeply for the fate of humanity. And you take the world of human creation, drama, suffering, rules and defined parameters with a healthy grain of salt.
And yet…
You are still required to live in it.
What is a woman to do?
Herein lies the paradox. And it is here that our story begins.
The Story of Maria
Many years back, in a mythical land that would remind you of Europe in the mid 1300s, there lived a king. He was a good king, but a traditional king. And while he was loving and generous in his heart, the world had driven him to coldness and greed. At the time our story begins, he was also grieving the loss of a dream: the dream of a perfect heir. For the queen he had chosen was unable to bear children. And so, he was at a loss.
At this time in history, women of royal blood were groomed to embody perfection – to stand this way, to sit like that. To courtesy deeply, to walk elegantly, and to be seen but not heard. Like carbon copies of one another, they performed the rituals of high society without a second thought, so thoroughly they had been trained. Awaiting their opportunity to be chosen.
As was custom at the time, a call was made to the royal women of the lands to contend for the opportunity to step in. An opportunity to become the mother of the king’s heir. The opportunity of a lifetime. And the women who came were many. And yet they were all the same. Except… for Maria.
Maria did not come from a noble blood line – at least not one that could be traced on paper. Yet she walked with her head held high. Her dress was different – darker, more dramatic, yet elegant in her own way. She exuded a sense of sovereignty and self-possession. And when the king came to interview her, she immediately stepped back rather than lean in. She did not courtesy. Instead, she stood her own ground.
At first, the king was enraged. “What is this, a joke? Who do you think you are?” He exclaimed.
And she said: “I know who I am. And I know what I came here to do.”
And she did. Through a series of trials, tests and tenuous conversations – despite the warnings of his most trusted royal advisors – in the end, the king chose Maria.
Not only did she bear his children, but she also developed an allyship with his wife the queen. Through her clarity, audacity and empowered sense of self, she became a strategic advisor to the family in addition to the mother of royalty. She took her place in society as Maria, the Uncrowned Queen.
From this position, she co-developed policies for women’s rights. She helped to improved public education. She invented new methods of wealth distribution that enabled were generative and beneficial both for the wealthy and for the poor.
And slowly, the patriarchal culture and practices of the kingdom began to change, for good.
Pause. Sit with this all for a moment.
Check in with your body.
How are you feeling now?
Inspired? Annoyed? Curious? Enraged? Skeptical? Frustrated? Awake?
There are no right or wrong answers here. Of course, it’s just a story. And you, the reader, are being moved.
Myth or truth… it doesn’t matter. What matters is what moves.
And so, this brings me to a few questions – and an invitation to practice – before we complete. If you wish, grab a pen or a virtual notepad and take a few minutes to answer.
- What did you hear that moved you in the story?
- What do you identify with? And why?
- What do you reject, or resist? And why?
- What is the main lesson – or question – you want to take forward from here?
The Archetype of the Uncrowned Queen
The story of Maria represents the archetype of the Uncrowned Queen – a sovereign woman who knows who she is, and knows what she came here to do. Despite all indications to the contrary, she trusts the power and accuracy of her own divine mission. And she is willing to stand for it, and to walk towards it, against all odds.
What does it look and feel like to walk in this way? Try standing tall. Imagine a crown on your head, such that your spine would be required to stack, vertebrae on top of vertebrae in order to carry the weight. Imagine a cape or cloak draped across your shoulders. Feel the way it would move, if you were to sway side to side. Feel the pace it would invite you to take, in order to do it full justice.
Take a step forward – not when I tell you to, but when it feels true. With this step, and the ones that follow, imagine you are entering the arena. Proud and upright, but relaxed. Clear, but with neither push, nor grasp. Take one step at a time.
Take it easy… but take it.
This role is yours. It is not a title that someone gave you… though you may be given one. It is not an award you have won, or a position you have earned… though you may end up earning one.
It begins with your own choosing. Your deciding that it will work.
Like every disruptive, empowered woman who came before you. You are taking your seat… and changing the table.
Perhaps, Maria in our fantastical story was a Black woman. A freed slave or the daughter of slaves living in the diaspora, where the culture and practices of high society had betrayed the very humanness of the men and women in power.
Perhaps she was an immigrant woman, or the daughter of immigrants, who had retained a true connection to her own cultural roots. Who remembered to remember who she really was, and what she came here for. Who needed no crown to know herself as a royalty. And who dared to stand for the values, perspectives and practices that would feed the village, and do right by both the rich and poor.
In every society, there are the outliers.
These outlier women – the ones who, by choice chance or circumstance, were not tamed into submission by the written law. Who learned how to navigate two different sets of rules. Who, while living in between two conflicting realities, mastered the art of choosing.
And who, in their embodied sovereignty, skillfully reshape the lives and circumstances of those around them.
The Uncrowned Queen is also the WorldShaper woman – a woman who draws on the truth of her birthright to lead necessary and timely change. Who understands, embraces and alchemizes both the traumas and the raw, cultural and historical truths, in order to stand for her vision and values in a storm of confusion. The woman who feels the pain of a society in misalignment in her bones and yet dares not to lose heart. Who skillfully learns the rules and becomes a consummate pro, so, as Picasso said, she can choose to break them like an artist.
Through her choices, she forges a new path for humanity.
In honor of Juneteenth, I dedicate this letter to the women and men, whose strength, wisdom, and suffering, have truly been the life blood of the country in which I live. And whose courage continues to create a sub-context of sanity, inside a sea of illusion, where humanity can continue to thrive.
I dedicate this letter to Monica, Fatima, Stacey, Garnesha, Rebecca, Danielle, Rachel, Carmen, Enakshi, Katharine, Megan, Chi, Mabell, Jessica and all of our Guts & Grace clients, friends, and collaborators who are taking real risks and following their true hearts to shape their industries and make a meaningful impact on the lives of those are around them.
I also dedicate this letter to my sister Lorin, who has always embodied Maria and whose self-possessed nature gives those around her permission to shine.
The truth is, internally we are both the king and also Maria.
As leaders – at any level – most of us do still hide, self-betray, dim our hearts, or leave parts of ourselves behind simply to exist in the context of society and our workplace cultures today.
And it’s ok. Even good news, because it means that more is possible.
We are all in process right now (including myself!)
And that’s what matters most.
Living the Archetype: What’s Next?
What I offer at Guts & Grace are tools, experiences, and advising that re-connect you with the spirit of disruption you still have inside of you – and reveal the next level that is still possible for you (even as a very senior leader!) – at this unique moment in time.
- Learn & Practice: You can listen to me teach about this theme and do a brief embodied practice with me in the Members Only section of the Guts & Grace App (get first time free access here).
- Discover: You can book a 1:1 call with me or my team to explore your personal pathway to fuller-bodied, freedom, self-expression, and leadership (apply here). Tell me your story, and let’s chat.
PS – for nearly two years I’ve been encouraged to post my writing on SubStack, and I believe this piece will kick it off. But I didn’t want my lack of tech-savvy to prevent me from sharing it with you today. Please stay tuned for an email in a few days for a note about how to read and share this piece on our coming SubStack channel.
Credits: Thanks to my teacher Kai Karrel who first shared this fable with me, which comes from the Afro-Brazilian tradition of Umbanda. Thanks to my teacher Richard Strozzi Heckler who first coined “take it easy, but take it” as the tagline for the SOEL School of Embodied Leadership course. And thanks to my own courageous heart, for daring to put things together that don’t make sense… until they finally do.
